Yesterday... well yesterday was a day and a half. A friend and I went down state to do a little shopping. On the way down I felt a slight wobble in the front of the car and had an overwhelming urge to pray and pray hard. As I was praying I wasn't quite paying attention to where we were headed and found myself in the wrong area of the city. No matter we pulled in to turn around and saw a book sale 80% off. Yay my fav, we stopped in.

 

I couldn't find anything (which is unusual for me in a book store). We left. Pulling out of the shopping center was a nightmare, traffic was thick and hurried. All of a sudden we heard a loud SNAP and metal GRINDING. People in back of us SLAMMING on brakes, BLOWING on horns. We stoped moving. Getting out to look ,the front tire on the right side had decided not to turn along with the rest of the car and had broken off. Brake fluid was every where. A nice man got out of his truck and thought to help us push it out of the road, but it wasn't budging. So there we stood on the side of a severely congested highway waiting for a tow and the police.

 

While we were waiting a lady stopped to see if we were ok, her vehicle parked between us and the car on the roadside. We were letting her know everyone was fine and someone SMASHED into our broke-down car, throwing it across the highway, into a guardrail. The car became a few inches shorter. Lucky we weren't in it, and lucky her car was blocking us from flying shrapnel and the other car involved.

 

All I have to say is I could clearly see the hand of God in the entire situation.

 

It didn't brake on the thruway, if it had we would have flown thru the air, rolling style, and most likely died (my car is/was a little rollerskate model Ford Fiesta hatchback). And if we hadn't taken a wrong turn, we would have been on the thruway at that moment. Also it turned out right that I had bought nothing that day

Because the tow bill was $146.00 and I had $150.00 on me. I dont use/have credit cards. Everyone was pleasant and helpful despite the heavy traffic and extreme heat. No one got hurt. And to be honest I wasn't really that bothered by the whole thing. The peace of God is a beautiful thing. Ask and ye shall receive.

His answer to my prayer;

  "this is going to break but I'll make it as easy as I can for you, don't worry, you know I'm always there for you."

 

Thank You Lord for once again showing you faithfull careful attention for my well being. Your love is all around me.  

Days pass and I don't realize how far away I get till I take a moment to stand and look back. Did I lose my focus? Or start to let some little things carry me away? As I am lost now, I'll be making the most of it; as long as I dont forget to. How did I get here?

 

I know where I want to go (for now) short term and long and yet all that seems to get crowded out very easily. And am I not missing out if I dont grab hold of where I am now? I guess thats part of the challenge. Keeping your eyes on the far shore while enjoying the cool swim now, taking time to play and feeling the enveloping soft water around you. I haven't reached that shore yet. I don't know that it's all it looks from here. And as for God, He may know and wash me down stream a bit for a better landing in the end.

 

What do I want? I want to remain real with God and not become complacent.I want to finish the paramedic program. I want to get the mural going at the center. I want to attend the agean center in the spring semester (scholarships and God willing). I want to fall in love gently and with the man God has prepared to handle me (hehe truth). I want to be more loving.Many of these things are attainable but seem so impossible right now; at this point the art school in Greece seems the farthest. Yet it is the one I hope for the most, well it's tied with falling in love.

 

Let's hope to dig ourselves out of the mire of the daily, to embrace it's beauty, to discard it's disappointments and dark spots, to keep our eyes on the passion of our heart that will bring us ever closer to contentment and God as all things (good and bad) are brought about by Him.

What a funny thing love is, sometimes it can sweep over every thing and consume you. Other times it is a vauge refrence as trials surpass all you have in you. But then there is a place where it just floats and is.

 

There is someone i love. i am not in love with him in as  is thought in most ways,  but i love him, with all my heart. am i with him? no. will i ever be? thats an irrelevant question. its not even related.

 

 Who knew life would be such a funny thing where you could love some one so? All their faults and virtues, only to love them for who they are. not what they are to you. I am not as wise in my current age as I wish I was, looking back I do see all the misjudgements and mistakes i've made. But I can love someone with all my heart just for what i see in them.

 

And i believe love without strings surpasses wisdom as it becomes the pure place it was ment to be.

 

So saying that. I love you. every facet and flaw. I hope you know and  if you find yourself in a dark place feel free to recall. It is more than friendship and bridged by something mysterious to me, and not what everyone else would make it out to be.  What kind of love is it? I dont know,  just love.

I've been dying for some paint and have been totally broke, I couldn't even finish a painting I had started because I had run out of a few colors. 

 

Today was the last class in the paramedic program for the summer. Our school uses  ID cards for everything and once the money's on the card you can't take it off you have to spend it. So I thought ohh a spending spree ... I've got $50 bucks left. I went to the store hoping for some paint, all they had was white oil and I needed other colors. I didnt see anything. Its not an art school so no shocker there. In any case there were 2 different prices on the white so I asked which was right.

 

" Its the more expensive one" he told me, " but I'll give it to you for 60% off and I have a bunch of colors in the back too if you like I'll give those to you for you at 60% off also."

 

Whooo!!! boy was I psyched. he said "some guy ordered them for a class he was teaching then quit" and he was now stuck with inventory he couldn't move, and the school year was ending. I bought as much as I could with my $50 bucks and told him I'll be back for the rest on friday.

 

I am so blessed by the love of my Lord. I didn't ask for them but He knows my heart, saw what I needed and gave me something that would move my heart. Something just for me.

I am humbeled and overjoyed to experience this personal love of my lord. He constantly amazes me with how well He knows my heart. God is sooo good to me.

 When I say... "I am a Christian"
 I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
 I'm whispering "I was lost,
 Now I'm found and forgiven."

 When I say. "I am a Christian"
 I don't speak of this with pride.
 I'm confessing that I stumble
 and need Christ to be my guide.

 When I say.. "I am a Christian"
 I'm not trying to be strong.
 I'm professing that I'm weak
 And need His strength to carry on.

 When I say.. "I am a Christian"
 I'm not bragging of success.
 I'm admitting I have failed
 And need God to clean my mess.

 When I say.. "I am a Christian"
 I'm not claiming to be perfect,
 My flaws are far too visible
 But, God believes I am worth it.

 When I say... "I am a Christian"
 I still feel the sting of pain.
 I have my share of heartaches
 So I call upon His name.

 When I say..! . "I am a Christian"
 I'm not holier than thou,
 I'm just a simple sinner
 Who received God's good grace, somehow!

my niece: Why cant we see God?

me: You know how we told you its not what is on the outside, but whats on the inside that counts?

my niece: Ya

me: Well that's what God is made of, the stuff on the inside.

my neice: (thought for a moment...) oh 

 

 

This morning i had the urge to run franticaly with my camera and take pictures.Pictures of every one and everything i see. Blue dawn, pink flowered trees, small birds in flight, quiet town. How do you capture a moment long enough to see all it has to offer? To reflect its richness. I find myself longing study the fine details that bring everything to harmony. And we just pass thru on to somewhere, God knows where, and miss so much. Breathe in breathe out smell a rose, breathe in breathe out eat the strawberry in front of you.

And mourning... those chances gone as i stood (in the now) as one transfixed, hypnotized by the future. Moment my moment. Now gone. Swirling eternity unchecked.

 

Many days i do not even want to sleep for all that i could take in if only my eyes were not closed. Yet even there, there is a moment, a soft lit awakening and a chance to quiet my mind. And I pray to be always steeped in the now that I might not miss any moment. We are now. 

 

(an exerpt from a prevous posting that fits again)

 

"Human strength and human greatness spring not from life’s sunny side. Hero's must be more than driftwood floating on a waveless tide."    ~A.B. Simpson

 

Right now I am tossed in the sea. I can be nothing more than me. And yet people around me expect me, expound me and I am so short I cannot even see up on to their table of perfection. When I traveled, when it was just God and I, every thing I could take in and stand. I cannot explain the joy of being held with in the Creators hand every move, every sound, guided harmonic, and I was untouched by any thing, because I could feel Him always. He loves to take care of us. And now trying to take care of myself, to live the normal life, I cannot find Him. I’m here; I’m here, GOD CAN YOU HEAR ME? I’m here. Curled up in a ball under their table of perfection. Can you send your angels to minister to my soul, peace courage wisdom hope I will be free again. Patience (but not through trial please). Something, whatever you see fit. Looking back I know I will see this is just a really big wave, and my boat is fine. I feel like the disciples yelling “help us” Lord and all along they were safe just untrusting. But still i’m here now. I hope God reads this.

 

Sometimes life seems so backwards. I’ve come so far, gone so far. Traveled to far countries, seen human suffering, joy and realized how to enjoy the moment I’m in. So many places and there was a time I fit in to the world around me. I’ve been back for a while, I still feel out of place. People I should fit in with I don’t, people I used to fit in with I cannot. Oh, my heart I just want to go. I try to enmesh my self in this place for a bit, after all it is an area I should call home. And yet I don’t and yet I don’t. I know some of it is just a phase to go through. This is an awfully long phase. God help me, perhaps I should have joined the group that was preparing to be whisked away by the ship behind the moon. Lovely thought that, thought the sneakers were not my style (it’s what kept me out). One of my favorite quotes:

 

"Human strength and human greatness spring not from life’s sunny side. Hero's must be more than driftwood floating on a waveless tide."    ~A.B. Simpson

 

Right now I am tossed in the sea. I can be nothing more than me. And yet people around me expect me, expound me and I am so short I cannot even see up on to their table of perfection. When I traveled, when it was just God and I, every thing I could take in and stand. I cannot explain the joy of being held with in the Creators hand every move, every sound, guided harmonic, and I was untouched by any thing, because I could feel Him always. He loves to take care of us. And now trying to take care of myself, to live the normal life, I cannot find Him. I’m here; I’m here, GOD CAN YOU HEAR ME? I’m here. Curled up in a ball under their table of perfection. Can you send your angels to minister to my soul, peace courage wisdom hope I will be free again. Patience (but not through trial please). Something, whatever you see fit. Looking back I know I will see this is just a really big wave, and my boat is fine. I feel like the disciples yelling “help us” Lord and all along they were safe just untrusting. But still i’m here now. I hope God reads this.

 

Today… The morning dawned beautifully with a gentle breeze and a warming wind. Sitting out side I could feel God and I was so thankful to hear the birds after such a long winter. My soul expanded to become part of the clouds, my peace was complete and love washed over me.

 

I hoped to hold that peace all thru the day, but as is with life things changed. I went thru a wash of tides and at the end was ready to sink. Sometimes in life we pin our hopes on dreams that only exist in our minds. My thankfulness was washed away as my imaginings didn’t appear. I placed my love in a dream instead of on the solidarity of an everlasting presence. And I wonder where I trip up (sarcasm).

Why do I put my hope in things that do not exist? Believe me my imagination is big and I fall in love so easily with things I daydream.

 

What does exist? God, His hope, this beautiful creation that surrounds us everyday, the people He has put in my life for me to love and learn from, passions He has placed in my heart (painting, adventure, serving disadvantaged people, joy in cultural differences).

What does not exist… petty distractions, unrealized worries, imagined outcomes.

 

Someday I hope to be excellent in all I’ve been given, and drop what is just a distraction.

 

And the end of my day, ends the same as it began I’m washed over by His peace love and acceptance, of who I am, perfectly without exception. My soul is expanded as my fears are laid to rest. Realizing the constant is the endlessness of eternity, a universe we cannot find the end of, time will out last me, and the immovable immutable love of my creator.